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a blog by ken pardue

The Whole Cheese Circuit is Down

A coworker had a hillarious story to tell about his over-the-weekend Pizza Hut experience. Since he doesn’t have a blog I felt inclined to post it. You might expect it out of a rurual town of less than 4000 people, but it was nonetheless amazing.

He went in to the town Pizza Hut and ordered his pizza, having company coming over in a few hours to celebrate the Fourth of July and otherwise blow various things up. All was fine until he asked for extra parmesean cheese. “I’m sorry, we don’t carry that,” the girl told him. “You don’t have parmesean cheese? That’s like Burger King not carrying burgers.” She went on to tell him that they hadn’t had any for some time, that there was a recall, and that they’re not ordering any more. “How can parmesean cheese go bad?” my friend said, “They have to age it for seven years before they even sell it. Being old is a good thing.”

Not to be outnumbered, she called for backup: the delivery guy. Indeed he did confirm her story about the cheese: “Yeah, everything is all screwed up. This entire cheese circuit is down.”
The story from Keith’s point of view:

Many believe that terrorism strikes only those in far away places and could never happen to them. Others think that our government can keep us safe from the evils of the world, only dealing us hardships through taxes and MTV marathons. Sadly, these people have never heard the horror of: The Cheese Circuit.

It all started July 3rd, 2004 – a renowned holiday that celebrates the insomnia of all those involved in the United States creation the day after, back in 1776. After paying homage to this glorious day by setting off larger explosions than the neighbors, I decided to celebrate by taking my girlfriend out to Pizza Hut – the home of the great American (trademark 1776) staple: Pizza.

I ordered the aptly named “Dinner for Two” – a fantastic display of shrewd gimmicks designed to persuade customers to fill their stomachs with yeasty goodness. Naturally, I expected two things with this meal:

1) The correct price
2) The goodness that is parmesan cheese.

Sadly, I got neither.

After noticing that my $15 ticket had magically turned into $20+, I sought out the waitress so that she might solve my dilemma. I approached the waitress cautiously, gingerly – fearing that she may strike at any moment. Meekly, I asked: “Are you sure this is correct? It seems that we didn’t receive the correct discount for the meal.”

“It’s because you got drinks,” she responded. “I’m getting the manager so she can tell you.”

Wondering why she got the manager to explain this, I waited for countless nanoseconds for the manager to walk all …. 1 steps to get there. “We don’t give the discount here until after you pay,” the manager said.

Well this made perfect sense: Give the customer a different price, and then change it after they pay. I suppose it’s like a rebate on your pizza. Charming. I guess that’s to help out incase you double the tax for their tip – thus cheating you out of several pennies.

But that held no candle to the horror that was about to ensue.

Biting into my beloved pizza, I noticed a lack of something – a lack of cheese. I thought that I’d correct this personally by adding a thick layer of parmesan goodness to my pizza – a very important tradition for pizza goers everywhere. Searching around my table, I was unable to locate the fabled cheese shaker. I thought “maybe there’s one on the table behind me…” But I thought wrong.

After a frantic search, I came to realize that there was no cheese to be found in the establishment’s dining area. Okay, I thought. I’ll just ask for some at the counter and maybe I can get some packets or a shaker from the back.

… if only I had known…

I asked the lady at the counter – “could I please have some parmesan cheese?”

“I’m sorry, sir.” she said. “We don’t carry that anymore.”

She didn’t say “we don’t have any” or “we ran out.” No, no… it was much worse. Infinitely worse. “”We don’t CARRY that anymore!”

Confusion raced through my brain like Speedy Gonzales in a crack house.

“That’s like Burger King not carrying … well … burgers,” I remarked. Not one to be argued with, she called in backup: The Cheese … Guy.

The Cheese Guy (Lovingly called: “TCG”) emerged from wherever the cheese guys stay in all his cheesely grandeur. “It’s all screwed up. The whole Cheese Circuit is down!” announced TCG. “We’re backed up for months – this whole Cheese Sector is out!”

What could have caused the fabled Cheese Circuit to fail? Swiss Hackers (yeah, so it’s a bad pun)?

Logically, the only thing that could take down something as intricate as the Cheese Sector would be bioterrorism or nuclear warfare. Terrorism must know no remorse to take down something like the Cheese Circuit without so much as a warning to those pizza lovers most touched by this travesty.

We must be strong in this time of famine.

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